Hank Hill Quotes: Great Quotations from King of the Hill

Dale Gribble Quotations From King of the Hill

Dale Gribble, one Hank's neighbors, is a conspiracy theorist extraordinaire, perpetually accusing the government of an amusing variety of transgressions. ... more about Dale Gribble

  • If I wanted to watch my wife on Super Bowl Sunday, I would've married Fran Tarkenton.
  • (Talking to Hank)
    I'm gonna take your blood and replace it with my rabies infested blood and gain your knowledge of propane and propane acccessories and take over the world!!
  • (talking to Hank about Hank and Peggy's 20th anniversary)
    20 years. If your marriage was a murderer it would be out by now.
  • (in reference to the eggs/toilet paper that Hank threw in the air when a cop nearly caught him and bobby vandalizing homes on Halloween)
    The vandalism towards my house last night was a hate crime...somebody hates me
  • (To Peggy, on the phone)
    You don't know who I am, but I know where you live. And if you teach that class, Sex Ed Teacher, I will make you pay.
  • Nancy, you been going to that healer for twelve years, and you still get headaches every night.
  • If all you're goin' on is my confession, forget it, I'm simply not credible.
  • (to Hank)
    SHUT UP! I don't have time for your little problems. My gerbil screwed me.
  • (In response to Hank telling Bobby he can't be a quitter.)
    Hell, I ain't no quitter. I've been smoking for 30 years.
  • I thank my father every day for all the tricks he played on me. He taught me the most wonderful lesson a child can learn: Never trust nobody. That's how I know Bob Dole's faking that dead arm.
  • But I need my kidney, it keeps my other kidney company.
  • Look how straight the lines are on the highway. A man could get highway hypnosis like that.
  • If all the children leave Arlen there will be no young to take care of our old. Our old will feed on our very old. Our very old who are not eaten will wish they had been...eaten.
  • Oh man. What kind of lefty hootenanny is this?
  • What happens if my tee shot lands on a bird's back and he carries it out of bounds but then is attacked by a larger bird who grabs the ball and drops it in the hole? Is that still a hole in one? 'Cause that's how I'm gonna play it.
  • If Peggy wants to screw something up, why doesn't she just stick to Bobby?
  • (dale gribble in attack mode)
    SHASHASHAA!!!
  • ast Christmas i hid Joseph's gift so well I still haven't found it.....cutest little puppy...or should I say dog?
  • (When Hank is preparing to use a winch to untip Luanne's daddy's trailer)
    You know how the egyptians untipped the pyramids, don't ya? With a winch, a cinder block, and 50,000 Hebrew slaves...you got a cinder block?
  • I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennesse walking horse that was looking at me funny.
  • That is the feces that is created when shame eats too much stupid!
  • Bill!! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing?! That outfit makes you look like a sequined train wreck! Look at you!! You're part of a twelve-headed Jackass! This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity! You people make me envy the deaf and the blind!
  • Whoa! Hold on, son! I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision! If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking, or go straight to the horse's mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry.
  • If you want, I can teach you how to make a bomb out of a toilet paper roll and a stick of dynamite.
  • My Nancy's a genius too. A genius at having a great can!
  • Can you mow your lawn in a hurricane?
  • Enacted in 1966, the Freedom of Information Act — or FOIA — gives any citizen the right to request access to federal agency records or information. It's what I used when I took on the IRS for disallowing my status as a tax-exempt church.
  • (Talking about global warming)
    That's code for UN commissars telling Americans what the temperature's going to be in our outdoors. I say let the world warm up. Let's see what Boutros Boutros Ghali Ghali has to say about that. We'll grow oranges in Alaska!
  • They're trying to make me pee my pants, but they're too late.
  • Bureaucrats, like mobs, don't respond to reason.
  • (While discussing an eating contest with the guys)
    Remember Bill, just because you have their attention dosen't mean you have their respect.
  • On Keyboard, The Big D...Rusty Shackleford!
  • Boil up some Mountain Dew; it's gonna be a long night.
  • Ya know, in Japan a round of golf cost $12,000. You play from rooftop to rooftop and the balls are made of rice somehow. then when you're done ya gotta go home and sleep in a tube.
  • (pretending to be an environmentalist)
    Earth first. Make Mars our bitch.
  • I tell you what it is. It's your quote un-quote pollution control. I heard on talk radio you don't even need 'em. It's just the latest nazi government plot. Open your eyes, man, they're trying to control Global Warming. Get it Global. That's U.N. Commissars code for telling us what the temperature is gonna be in our outdoors. Let it warm up I say. See what Butchros Butchros Ghali Ghali thinks of that. We'll grow oranges in Alaska.
  • The aliens impregnated Nancy!
  • ... sounds like helicopters. UN helicopters.
  • (speaking to the Harmoniholics)
    You people make me envy the deaf and the blind!
  • Gun's don't kill people. The Government does.
  • TV sets are getting smaller and smaller, and bigger and bigger. Soon the medium-sized set will be a thing of the past.
  • I've finally stopped crying but that's only because I started vomiting.
  • This is a great gun-selling location... How 'bout it Peggy? Can I sell guns at this location? I have literally oodles of guns at home.
  • By now your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as "The Beast."
  • Whatcha got under the foil, Mr. Party Pooper? Some party poop?
  • You and I may be acquainted but we are not traveling companions. I am merely here to enjoy Earth Day and play some hacky-sack.
  • (talking about John Redcorn's Band)
    They've got a super boffo Bachman-Turner Overdrive meets Deep Purple versus ELO kind of sound.
  • Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose.
  • (Somebody chases dale)
    sh sh sh shaaa..... squirl tactic
    he climbs into a tree with a photo
  • The world's going to Hell in a handbasket. I blame the media blamers.

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