Hank Hill Quotes: Great Quotations from King of the Hill

Hank Hill Quotations From King of the Hill

Hank, who works as the assistant manager at Strickland Propane, likes to proclaim proudly that he sells "propane and propane accessories." ... more about Hank Hill

  • You can't just pick and choose which laws to follow. Sure I'd like to tape a baseball game without the express written consent of major league baseball, but that's just not the way it works.
  • (referring to his son Bobby)
    That boy ain't right.
  • Bobby, you go pick something from the adventure section....anything about a boy with gumption should be fine.
  • I gotta sense of humor too. I like the Tony Danza.
  • (Reading a book on organic farming)
    When they say 'Mother Earth', they mean 'dirt', right?
  • (Talking to Bobby)
    The only reason why your nails should be black is because you hit them with a hammer.
  • Using a saw to kill someone makes more sense than using a gun to hammer nails. That's how my dad built my treehouse; that's how he cleaned it too.
  • I hate that t-shirt more than life itself
  • (to Bobby)
    Don't play lawyer ball, son.
  • (To Buck Strickland)
    You called in a fake propane emergency? That's a $50 fine after I report it.
  • (After Bobby steps up to the plate in a Little League games, taking a left-handed stance)
    Dangit, Bobby, you're right-handed.
  • Disappointment? No! You make me proud! I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Damn it, you're my boy!
  • ((to Peggy in a body cast))
    You know, Helen Keller was largely useless, but look how we remember her. Yep, first lady of the American stage
  • An F in English? Bobby, you speak English!
  • If Bobby doesn't love football, he won't lead a fulfilling life, and then he'll die.
  • Peg, I'm trying to control an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!
  • Dangit, Bobby!!!
  • I HAVE a sense of humor! I laugh at Tony Danza.
  • (Conversation Between Hank and Bobby on Halloween. Bobby says, "But dad, that's vandalism and vandalism isn't cool.")
    Bobby, that attitude is a little immature.
  • (punishing Bobby for smoking by making him smoke a carton of cigarettes)
    Bobby, if you're gonna do something wrong, do it right!
  • You, uh, you're my son, you know, with everything that entails... feelings of fondness and more... You know what I mean, don’t you, boy?
  • D-minus! Dangit, Bobby, I expected better from someone who doesn't have any extracurricular activities.
  • (In response to a young Christian rock singer who said, "Hey man, Jesus had long hair!")
    That's because I'm not his father.
  • (Talking to Cotton after G.H. is born)
    If you call him Good Hank it's gonna look like I'm bad Hank.
  • Who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I need to know whose ass to kick!
  • I'm gonna tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!
  • (telling Peggy about Connie getting her period)
    You know, that special time in a girls life..with the freshness and all...
  • I'm gonna kick your ass! I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come here.
  • Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!
  • Bobby, I want to give you this cup. It was made from the finest American steel ever to come out of Pittsburgh, PA.
  • It's called the double standard, Bobby. Don't knock it — we got the long end of the stick on that one.
  • Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.
  • I sell propane and propane accessories.
  • (to Dale Gribble, after Hank thought Dale had died from ant bites)
    You gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even!
  • With the joys of responsibility comes the burden of obligation.
  • (Speaking to Willie Nelson)
    I'm your biggest fan, sir. When I was a boy I worshiped you....and Jesus of course.
  • The only woman I'm pimping is sweet lady propane! And I'm tricking her out all over this town.
  • (talking to bobby after he kicked hank in the crotch)
    Gimme that goddang vidja game!
  • Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you.
  • Yep
  • (Referring to jeans)
    Well, after I break 'em in in ten years they ought to be the perfect fit.
  • (Talking to Megalomart salesman)
    (Sigh) Which idiot made it illegal to install a working toilet in your own bathroom?
  • Bobby you're 12 that's still very young. But Ladybird, she's 13!
  • (Referring to Bobby's dancing at a concert)
    They weren't dancing like you and I dance, Peggy. They were enjoying it.
  • (On being offered prescription medicine)
    “Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood, I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.
  • (reading pamphlet)
    "Cushioned shooting stands, heated blinds with automatic corn feeder". Well that's not hunting, that's shooting fish in a barrel.
  • I've had about enough of this Christmas crap!
  • A poodle? Why don't you just get me a cat and a sex change operation?
  • GAY! I'm not gay! I sell propane and propane accessories!
  • You can't compete with this guy. He's a football player, and football players know how to treat a woman right.
  • (admiring Bill's new septic tank)
    It's a shame we have to put her in the ground.
  • (on worker's compensation)
    Worker's comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I am not going on welfare.
  • (on finding Bobby in his room holding a cheerleader's uniform)
    There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed.
  • Why would anyone ever smoke weed when they could just mow a lawn?
  • I wasn't flirting with her! I didn't even mention that I worked in propane.
  • (referring to Ronald Reagan)
    I miss voting for that man
  • Maybe my father is Tom Landry. That would explain my strong chin and my love for the flex defense. I wonder if I would call him "dad" or "coach". Nah who am I kidding? I would call him "sir."
  • Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug ya.
  • Butane is the bastard gas.
  • (after his father ran away from home)
    Has anyone seen an old man, about yea high, possibly shouting obscenities?
  • So are you Chinese or Japanese?
  • An all Texas superbowl.....Thy will be done.
  • My wife lies to me. My beer company betrays me. Americans are giving Mexicans diarrhea. What the hell is going on here?
  • (To Mr. Strickland)
    There's a spoon stuck to your elbow. Do you even know that?
  • No got dang way, Bobby!
  • Ginseng tea?? I'm not gonna get hopped up on dope!
  • I'm not saying you're not good at what you do. I'm just saying I'm better.
  • Oh God no, an anthill on my new lawn!
  • (talking to Bobby "Do you know how to start a man's heart with a downed power line?" Bobby: "No.")
    "...Well, theres really no wrong way to do it."
  • I tell you what, you can take a safety course, and if you're still interested in guns after they've taken all the fun out of it, we'll go to the tournament.
  • (As Ted Wassanasong hands Hank a cigar)
    Don't mind if I -- oh, you probably didn't realize this, but this is Cuban. I'll just go ahead and destroy it for you.
  • I always say - if you plan ahead, then when things happen, you're prepared for them.
  • I can't enjoy a party until I know where the bathroom is. You knew that when you married me.
  • Mr. Big is pleased
  • (Talking about his lawn)
    There's something missing, something wrong...it's like a pretty girl with short hair.
  • What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?
  • Now that just tears it!
  • (After accidentally taking a hit off of a marijuana cigarette)
    Oh no my eyes are turning bloodshot, I'm going on a trip! I look like I'm doped out of my gourd!
  • Boomhauer, I can't understand a word you just said... what with all that legalese mumbo-jumbo.
  • (Answering Bobby's questions about PMS)
    Bobby, some things are like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta grab a beer and let it burn.
  • ((Speaking to Peggy about Kahn))
    I don't whisper every morning in his ear 'be a jerk'. That comes from within.
  • You mean like a convoy?
  • If you'd like to learn more about sexual education, don't! Nobody likes a know-it-all who sits around talking about their genitalia. Now, I think you might like this next show, The X-Files. I always thought it was some kind of porno, on account of the title, but turns out it's all about two young people who don't have sex. Now, that's entertainment!
  • Nobody likes a know it all who sits around talking about their genitalia.
  • Bobby I'm going to tell you to do two things I hope you never have to do again, tape the Cowboys game and fetch me an apron.
  • Son, you're teasin' the gorilla in the monkey house.
  • Why are we watching a foreign movie? You'd think if it was any good they would make an American version.
  • I am the mac daddy of Hiemlich County
  • Bobby, from now on when I ask you how your day was, what I mean is 'how was shop'?
  • (Speaking to Peggy)
    I didn't marry you so you could cook and clean for me. I married you because you know, you know.....the love...
  • Yep, just walkin around in my lush, super plush, new lawn...
  • He always leaves the TV on the Game Show network. I'm not sure why it bothers me, but it does.
  • (to Bobby)
    It's not cooking — it's barbecue!
  • If your sorority has to sell jam to buy beer, you're drinking too much.
  • Dale, you giblet head!
  • I think they're starting to like me. But more importantly, I think they're starting to like shop.

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