Hank Hill Quotes: Great Quotations from King of the Hill

Hank Hill Quotations From King of the Hill

Hank, who works as the assistant manager at Strickland Propane, likes to proclaim proudly that he sells "propane and propane accessories." ... more about Hank Hill

  • Using a saw to kill someone makes more sense than using a gun to hammer nails. That's how my dad built my treehouse; that's how he cleaned it too.
  • I've had about enough of this Christmas crap!
  • You can't just pick and choose which laws to follow. Sure I'd like to tape a baseball game without the express written consent of major league baseball, but that's just not the way it works.
  • Butane is the bastard gas.
  • Why would anyone ever smoke weed when they could just mow a lawn?
  • I always say - if you plan ahead, then when things happen, you're prepared for them.
  • I'm not saying you're not good at what you do. I'm just saying I'm better.
  • (After accidentally taking a hit off of a marijuana cigarette)
    Oh no my eyes are turning bloodshot, I'm going on a trip! I look like I'm doped out of my gourd!
  • I hate that t-shirt more than life itself
  • (Reading a book on organic farming)
    When they say 'Mother Earth', they mean 'dirt', right?
  • (Talking to Bobby)
    The only reason why your nails should be black is because you hit them with a hammer.
  • If your sorority has to sell jam to buy beer, you're drinking too much.
  • (admiring Bill's new septic tank)
    It's a shame we have to put her in the ground.
  • Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.
  • (on worker's compensation)
    Worker's comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I am not going on welfare.
  • (Speaking to Peggy)
    I didn't marry you so you could cook and clean for me. I married you because you know, you know.....the love...
  • (Talking about his lawn)
    There's something missing, something wrong...it's like a pretty girl with short hair.
  • (In response to a young Christian rock singer who said, "Hey man, Jesus had long hair!")
    That's because I'm not his father.
  • Bobby I'm going to tell you to do two things I hope you never have to do again, tape the Cowboys game and fetch me an apron.
  • (Referring to jeans)
    Well, after I break 'em in in ten years they ought to be the perfect fit.
  • ((to Peggy in a body cast))
    You know, Helen Keller was largely useless, but look how we remember her. Yep, first lady of the American stage
  • (referring to his son Bobby)
    That boy ain't right.
  • You can't compete with this guy. He's a football player, and football players know how to treat a woman right.
  • (Answering Bobby's questions about PMS)
    Bobby, some things are like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta grab a beer and let it burn.
  • If you'd like to learn more about sexual education, don't! Nobody likes a know-it-all who sits around talking about their genitalia. Now, I think you might like this next show, The X-Files. I always thought it was some kind of porno, on account of the title, but turns out it's all about two young people who don't have sex. Now, that's entertainment!
  • (Speaking to Willie Nelson)
    I'm your biggest fan, sir. When I was a boy I worshiped you....and Jesus of course.
  • GAY! I'm not gay! I sell propane and propane accessories!
  • Why are we watching a foreign movie? You'd think if it was any good they would make an American version.
  • Mr. Big is pleased
  • The only woman I'm pimping is sweet lady propane! And I'm tricking her out all over this town.
  • I gotta sense of humor too. I like the Tony Danza.
  • You, uh, you're my son, you know, with everything that entails... feelings of fondness and more... You know what I mean, don’t you, boy?
  • An all Texas superbowl.....Thy will be done.
  • I HAVE a sense of humor! I laugh at Tony Danza.
  • Son, you're teasin' the gorilla in the monkey house.
  • Bobby, you go pick something from the adventure section....anything about a boy with gumption should be fine.
  • Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you.
  • I tell you what, you can take a safety course, and if you're still interested in guns after they've taken all the fun out of it, we'll go to the tournament.
  • (telling Peggy about Connie getting her period)
    You know, that special time in a girls life..with the freshness and all...
  • I'm gonna tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!
  • He always leaves the TV on the Game Show network. I'm not sure why it bothers me, but it does.
  • (talking to bobby after he kicked hank in the crotch)
    Gimme that goddang vidja game!
  • Bobby, I want to give you this cup. It was made from the finest American steel ever to come out of Pittsburgh, PA.
  • Yep, just walkin around in my lush, super plush, new lawn...
  • (After Bobby steps up to the plate in a Little League games, taking a left-handed stance)
    Dangit, Bobby, you're right-handed.
  • Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug ya.
  • (to Bobby)
    Don't play lawyer ball, son.
  • (after his father ran away from home)
    Has anyone seen an old man, about yea high, possibly shouting obscenities?
  • Boomhauer, I can't understand a word you just said... what with all that legalese mumbo-jumbo.
  • (to Dale Gribble, after Hank thought Dale had died from ant bites)
    You gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even!
  • Now that just tears it!
  • (As Ted Wassanasong hands Hank a cigar)
    Don't mind if I -- oh, you probably didn't realize this, but this is Cuban. I'll just go ahead and destroy it for you.
  • Bobby, from now on when I ask you how your day was, what I mean is 'how was shop'?
  • (to Bobby)
    It's not cooking — it's barbecue!
  • Peg, I'm trying to control an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!
  • What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?
  • Yep
  • My wife lies to me. My beer company betrays me. Americans are giving Mexicans diarrhea. What the hell is going on here?
  • Dale, you giblet head!
  • ((Speaking to Peggy about Kahn))
    I don't whisper every morning in his ear 'be a jerk'. That comes from within.
  • (punishing Bobby for smoking by making him smoke a carton of cigarettes)
    Bobby, if you're gonna do something wrong, do it right!
  • Bobby you're 12 that's still very young. But Ladybird, she's 13!
  • Who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I need to know whose ass to kick!
  • (On being offered prescription medicine)
    “Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood, I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.
  • (reading pamphlet)
    "Cushioned shooting stands, heated blinds with automatic corn feeder". Well that's not hunting, that's shooting fish in a barrel.
  • Ginseng tea?? I'm not gonna get hopped up on dope!
  • Maybe my father is Tom Landry. That would explain my strong chin and my love for the flex defense. I wonder if I would call him "dad" or "coach". Nah who am I kidding? I would call him "sir."
  • (To Buck Strickland)
    You called in a fake propane emergency? That's a $50 fine after I report it.
  • Oh God no, an anthill on my new lawn!
  • I think they're starting to like me. But more importantly, I think they're starting to like shop.
  • I sell propane and propane accessories.
  • If Bobby doesn't love football, he won't lead a fulfilling life, and then he'll die.
  • Dangit, Bobby!!!
  • (on finding Bobby in his room holding a cheerleader's uniform)
    There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed.
  • You mean like a convoy?
  • (Talking to Megalomart salesman)
    (Sigh) Which idiot made it illegal to install a working toilet in your own bathroom?
  • I can't enjoy a party until I know where the bathroom is. You knew that when you married me.
  • (Talking to Cotton after G.H. is born)
    If you call him Good Hank it's gonna look like I'm bad Hank.
  • (Referring to Bobby's dancing at a concert)
    They weren't dancing like you and I dance, Peggy. They were enjoying it.
  • So are you Chinese or Japanese?
  • Nobody likes a know it all who sits around talking about their genitalia.
  • I'm gonna kick your ass! I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come here.
  • I am the mac daddy of Hiemlich County
  • An F in English? Bobby, you speak English!
  • Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!
  • D-minus! Dangit, Bobby, I expected better from someone who doesn't have any extracurricular activities.
  • (talking to Bobby "Do you know how to start a man's heart with a downed power line?" Bobby: "No.")
    "...Well, theres really no wrong way to do it."
  • (Conversation Between Hank and Bobby on Halloween. Bobby says, "But dad, that's vandalism and vandalism isn't cool.")
    Bobby, that attitude is a little immature.
  • No got dang way, Bobby!
  • Disappointment? No! You make me proud! I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Damn it, you're my boy!
  • It's called the double standard, Bobby. Don't knock it — we got the long end of the stick on that one.
  • I wasn't flirting with her! I didn't even mention that I worked in propane.
  • A poodle? Why don't you just get me a cat and a sex change operation?
  • (To Mr. Strickland)
    There's a spoon stuck to your elbow. Do you even know that?
  • With the joys of responsibility comes the burden of obligation.
  • (referring to Ronald Reagan)
    I miss voting for that man

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