Hank, who works as the assistant manager at Strickland Propane, likes to proclaim proudly that he sells "propane and propane accessories." ... more about Hank Hill
Who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I need to know whose ass to kick!
(Speaking to Peggy) I didn't marry you so you could cook and clean for me. I married you because you know, you know.....the love...
If your sorority has to sell jam to buy beer, you're drinking too much.
An F in English? Bobby, you speak English!
I'm not saying you're not good at what you do. I'm just saying I'm better.
I think they're starting to like me. But more importantly, I think they're starting to like shop.
(telling Peggy about Connie getting her period) You know, that special time in a girls life..with the freshness and all...
I'm gonna kick your ass! I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come here.
Dale, you giblet head!
My wife lies to me. My beer company betrays me. Americans are giving Mexicans diarrhea. What the hell is going on here?
(Talking about his lawn) There's something missing, something wrong...it's like a pretty girl with short hair.
Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug ya.
Bobby, I want to give you this cup. It was made from the finest American steel ever to come out of Pittsburgh, PA.
(On being offered prescription medicine) “Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood, I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.
Mr. Big is pleased
Nobody likes a know it all who sits around talking about their genitalia.
Peg, I'm trying to control an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!
What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?
(Answering Bobby's questions about PMS) Bobby, some things are like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta grab a beer and let it burn.
The only woman I'm pimping is sweet lady propane! And I'm tricking her out all over this town.
An all Texas superbowl.....Thy will be done.
(In response to a young Christian rock singer who said, "Hey man, Jesus had long hair!") That's because I'm not his father.
Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.
I sell propane and propane accessories.
Bobby I'm going to tell you to do two things I hope you never have to do again, tape the Cowboys game and fetch me an apron.
He always leaves the TV on the Game Show network. I'm not sure why it bothers me, but it does.
(To Buck Strickland) You called in a fake propane emergency? That's a $50 fine after I report it.
You, uh, you're my son, you know, with everything that entails... feelings of fondness and more... You know what I mean, don’t you, boy?
(Referring to jeans) Well, after I break 'em in in ten years they ought to be the perfect fit.
GAY! I'm not gay! I sell propane and propane accessories!
(referring to Ronald Reagan) I miss voting for that man
If Bobby doesn't love football, he won't lead a fulfilling life, and then he'll die.
(to Dale Gribble, after Hank thought Dale had died from ant bites) You gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even!
If you'd like to learn more about sexual education, don't! Nobody likes a know-it-all who sits around talking about their genitalia. Now, I think you might like this next show, The X-Files. I always thought it was some kind of porno, on account of the title, but turns out it's all about two young people who don't have sex. Now, that's entertainment!
Now that just tears it!
I tell you what, you can take a safety course, and if you're still interested in guns after they've taken all the fun out of it, we'll go to the tournament.
I gotta sense of humor too. I like the Tony Danza.
Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you.
With the joys of responsibility comes the burden of obligation.
Butane is the bastard gas.
(punishing Bobby for smoking by making him smoke a carton of cigarettes) Bobby, if you're gonna do something wrong, do it right!
Ginseng tea?? I'm not gonna get hopped up on dope!
((Speaking to Peggy about Kahn)) I don't whisper every morning in his ear 'be a jerk'. That comes from within.
I HAVE a sense of humor! I laugh at Tony Danza.
(to Bobby) It's not cooking — it's barbecue!
(After accidentally taking a hit off of a marijuana cigarette) Oh no my eyes are turning bloodshot, I'm going on a trip! I look like I'm doped out of my gourd!
Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!
(admiring Bill's new septic tank) It's a shame we have to put her in the ground.
Why would anyone ever smoke weed when they could just mow a lawn?
(Talking to Cotton after G.H. is born) If you call him Good Hank it's gonna look like I'm bad Hank.
I'm gonna tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!
(referring to his son Bobby) That boy ain't right.
A poodle? Why don't you just get me a cat and a sex change operation?
D-minus! Dangit, Bobby, I expected better from someone who doesn't have any extracurricular activities.
Bobby you're 12 that's still very young. But Ladybird, she's 13!
Oh God no, an anthill on my new lawn!
You mean like a convoy?
(Reading a book on organic farming) When they say 'Mother Earth', they mean 'dirt', right?
(after his father ran away from home) Has anyone seen an old man, about yea high, possibly shouting obscenities?
Boomhauer, I can't understand a word you just said... what with all that legalese mumbo-jumbo.
((to Peggy in a body cast)) You know, Helen Keller was largely useless, but look how we remember her. Yep, first lady of the American stage
(on finding Bobby in his room holding a cheerleader's uniform) There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed.
No got dang way, Bobby!
Why are we watching a foreign movie? You'd think if it was any good they would make an American version.
I wasn't flirting with her! I didn't even mention that I worked in propane.
(Speaking to Willie Nelson) I'm your biggest fan, sir. When I was a boy I worshiped you....and Jesus of course.
You can't compete with this guy. He's a football player, and football players know how to treat a woman right.
(After Bobby steps up to the plate in a Little League games, taking a left-handed stance) Dangit, Bobby, you're right-handed.
Son, you're teasin' the gorilla in the monkey house.
It's called the double standard, Bobby. Don't knock it — we got the long end of the stick on that one.
(Referring to Bobby's dancing at a concert) They weren't dancing like you and I dance, Peggy. They were enjoying it.
(talking to Bobby
"Do you know how to start a man's heart with a downed power line?"
Bobby: "No.") "...Well, theres really no wrong way to do it."
(reading pamphlet) "Cushioned shooting stands, heated blinds with automatic corn feeder". Well that's not hunting, that's shooting fish in a barrel.
Maybe my father is Tom Landry. That would explain my strong chin and my love for the flex defense. I wonder if I would call him "dad" or "coach". Nah who am I kidding? I would call him "sir."
I always say - if you plan ahead, then when things happen, you're prepared for them.
(As Ted Wassanasong hands Hank a cigar) Don't mind if I -- oh, you probably didn't realize this, but this is Cuban. I'll just go ahead and destroy it for you.
(To Mr. Strickland) There's a spoon stuck to your elbow. Do you even know that?
Bobby, from now on when I ask you how your day was, what I mean is 'how was shop'?
(Talking to Bobby) The only reason why your nails should be black is because you hit them with a hammer.
I am the mac daddy of Hiemlich County
Disappointment? No! You make me proud! I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Damn it, you're my boy!
(Talking to Megalomart salesman) (Sigh) Which idiot made it illegal to install a working toilet in your own bathroom?
You can't just pick and choose which laws to follow. Sure I'd like to tape a baseball game without the express written consent of major league baseball, but that's just not the way it works.
So are you Chinese or Japanese?
(Conversation Between Hank and Bobby on Halloween. Bobby says, "But dad, that's vandalism and vandalism isn't cool.") Bobby, that attitude is a little immature.
Bobby, you go pick something from the adventure section....anything about a boy with gumption should be fine.
I hate that t-shirt more than life itself
I've had about enough of this Christmas crap!
Using a saw to kill someone makes more sense than using a gun to hammer nails. That's how my dad built my treehouse; that's how he cleaned it too.
I can't enjoy a party until I know where the bathroom is. You knew that when you married me.
Yep, just walkin around in my lush, super plush, new lawn...
(to Bobby) Don't play lawyer ball, son.
(on worker's compensation) Worker's comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I am not going on welfare.
(talking to bobby after he kicked hank in the crotch) Gimme that goddang vidja game!