Hank, who works as the assistant manager at Strickland Propane, likes to proclaim proudly that he sells "propane and propane accessories." ... more about Hank Hill
(Talking to Megalomart salesman) (Sigh) Which idiot made it illegal to install a working toilet in your own bathroom?
(admiring Bill's new septic tank) It's a shame we have to put her in the ground.
I can't enjoy a party until I know where the bathroom is. You knew that when you married me.
Yep, just walkin around in my lush, super plush, new lawn...
(On being offered prescription medicine) “Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood, I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.
I gotta sense of humor too. I like the Tony Danza.
Disappointment? No! You make me proud! I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Damn it, you're my boy!
(Speaking to Peggy) I didn't marry you so you could cook and clean for me. I married you because you know, you know.....the love...
What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?
((Speaking to Peggy about Kahn)) I don't whisper every morning in his ear 'be a jerk'. That comes from within.
I sell propane and propane accessories.
Why are we watching a foreign movie? You'd think if it was any good they would make an American version.
I'm gonna tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!
(As Ted Wassanasong hands Hank a cigar) Don't mind if I -- oh, you probably didn't realize this, but this is Cuban. I'll just go ahead and destroy it for you.
Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.
He always leaves the TV on the Game Show network. I'm not sure why it bothers me, but it does.
(Conversation Between Hank and Bobby on Halloween. Bobby says, "But dad, that's vandalism and vandalism isn't cool.") Bobby, that attitude is a little immature.
(Referring to jeans) Well, after I break 'em in in ten years they ought to be the perfect fit.
(on finding Bobby in his room holding a cheerleader's uniform) There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed.
(Talking to Cotton after G.H. is born) If you call him Good Hank it's gonna look like I'm bad Hank.
Butane is the bastard gas.
Son, you're teasin' the gorilla in the monkey house.
If Bobby doesn't love football, he won't lead a fulfilling life, and then he'll die.
Why would anyone ever smoke weed when they could just mow a lawn?
So are you Chinese or Japanese?
You can't just pick and choose which laws to follow. Sure I'd like to tape a baseball game without the express written consent of major league baseball, but that's just not the way it works.
Mr. Big is pleased
(Talking to Bobby) The only reason why your nails should be black is because you hit them with a hammer.
I'm not saying you're not good at what you do. I'm just saying I'm better.
(To Buck Strickland) You called in a fake propane emergency? That's a $50 fine after I report it.
(Talking about his lawn) There's something missing, something wrong...it's like a pretty girl with short hair.
Maybe my father is Tom Landry. That would explain my strong chin and my love for the flex defense. I wonder if I would call him "dad" or "coach". Nah who am I kidding? I would call him "sir."
Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you.
(to Bobby) It's not cooking — it's barbecue!
I've had about enough of this Christmas crap!
A poodle? Why don't you just get me a cat and a sex change operation?
Bobby, I want to give you this cup. It was made from the finest American steel ever to come out of Pittsburgh, PA.
(reading pamphlet) "Cushioned shooting stands, heated blinds with automatic corn feeder". Well that's not hunting, that's shooting fish in a barrel.
I tell you what, you can take a safety course, and if you're still interested in guns after they've taken all the fun out of it, we'll go to the tournament.
(Referring to Bobby's dancing at a concert) They weren't dancing like you and I dance, Peggy. They were enjoying it.
I think they're starting to like me. But more importantly, I think they're starting to like shop.
No got dang way, Bobby!
(After accidentally taking a hit off of a marijuana cigarette) Oh no my eyes are turning bloodshot, I'm going on a trip! I look like I'm doped out of my gourd!
(to Dale Gribble, after Hank thought Dale had died from ant bites) You gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even!
Now that just tears it!
I wasn't flirting with her! I didn't even mention that I worked in propane.
Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug ya.
I'm gonna kick your ass! I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come here.
My wife lies to me. My beer company betrays me. Americans are giving Mexicans diarrhea. What the hell is going on here?
Bobby, from now on when I ask you how your day was, what I mean is 'how was shop'?
Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!
(to Bobby) Don't play lawyer ball, son.
(punishing Bobby for smoking by making him smoke a carton of cigarettes) Bobby, if you're gonna do something wrong, do it right!
Bobby, you go pick something from the adventure section....anything about a boy with gumption should be fine.
I HAVE a sense of humor! I laugh at Tony Danza.
(referring to his son Bobby) That boy ain't right.
(talking to Bobby
"Do you know how to start a man's heart with a downed power line?"
Bobby: "No.") "...Well, theres really no wrong way to do it."
D-minus! Dangit, Bobby, I expected better from someone who doesn't have any extracurricular activities.
You mean like a convoy?
You, uh, you're my son, you know, with everything that entails... feelings of fondness and more... You know what I mean, don’t you, boy?
Using a saw to kill someone makes more sense than using a gun to hammer nails. That's how my dad built my treehouse; that's how he cleaned it too.
If you'd like to learn more about sexual education, don't! Nobody likes a know-it-all who sits around talking about their genitalia. Now, I think you might like this next show, The X-Files. I always thought it was some kind of porno, on account of the title, but turns out it's all about two young people who don't have sex. Now, that's entertainment!
(Reading a book on organic farming) When they say 'Mother Earth', they mean 'dirt', right?
(Answering Bobby's questions about PMS) Bobby, some things are like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta grab a beer and let it burn.
Ginseng tea?? I'm not gonna get hopped up on dope!
If your sorority has to sell jam to buy beer, you're drinking too much.
GAY! I'm not gay! I sell propane and propane accessories!
(Speaking to Willie Nelson) I'm your biggest fan, sir. When I was a boy I worshiped you....and Jesus of course.
(referring to Ronald Reagan) I miss voting for that man
The only woman I'm pimping is sweet lady propane! And I'm tricking her out all over this town.
I hate that t-shirt more than life itself
Dale, you giblet head!
An all Texas superbowl.....Thy will be done.
(on worker's compensation) Worker's comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I am not going on welfare.
(In response to a young Christian rock singer who said, "Hey man, Jesus had long hair!") That's because I'm not his father.
I always say - if you plan ahead, then when things happen, you're prepared for them.
It's called the double standard, Bobby. Don't knock it — we got the long end of the stick on that one.
With the joys of responsibility comes the burden of obligation.
Peg, I'm trying to control an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!
Boomhauer, I can't understand a word you just said... what with all that legalese mumbo-jumbo.
An F in English? Bobby, you speak English!
(talking to bobby after he kicked hank in the crotch) Gimme that goddang vidja game!
(telling Peggy about Connie getting her period) You know, that special time in a girls life..with the freshness and all...
Who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I need to know whose ass to kick!
(after his father ran away from home) Has anyone seen an old man, about yea high, possibly shouting obscenities?
You can't compete with this guy. He's a football player, and football players know how to treat a woman right.
Oh God no, an anthill on my new lawn!
((to Peggy in a body cast)) You know, Helen Keller was largely useless, but look how we remember her. Yep, first lady of the American stage
Nobody likes a know it all who sits around talking about their genitalia.
(After Bobby steps up to the plate in a Little League games, taking a left-handed stance) Dangit, Bobby, you're right-handed.
Bobby you're 12 that's still very young. But Ladybird, she's 13!
(To Mr. Strickland) There's a spoon stuck to your elbow. Do you even know that?
Bobby I'm going to tell you to do two things I hope you never have to do again, tape the Cowboys game and fetch me an apron.