Hank Hill Quotes: Great Quotations from King of the Hill

Hank Hill Quotations From King of the Hill

Hank, who works as the assistant manager at Strickland Propane, likes to proclaim proudly that he sells "propane and propane accessories." ... more about Hank Hill

  • D-minus! Dangit, Bobby, I expected better from someone who doesn't have any extracurricular activities.
  • (As Ted Wassanasong hands Hank a cigar)
    Don't mind if I -- oh, you probably didn't realize this, but this is Cuban. I'll just go ahead and destroy it for you.
  • I can't enjoy a party until I know where the bathroom is. You knew that when you married me.
  • An all Texas superbowl.....Thy will be done.
  • (In response to a young Christian rock singer who said, "Hey man, Jesus had long hair!")
    That's because I'm not his father.
  • Dale, you giblet head!
  • I always say - if you plan ahead, then when things happen, you're prepared for them.
  • Oh God no, an anthill on my new lawn!
  • Butane is the bastard gas.
  • I am the mac daddy of Hiemlich County
  • (on worker's compensation)
    Worker's comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I am not going on welfare.
  • Boomhauer, I can't understand a word you just said... what with all that legalese mumbo-jumbo.
  • Bobby, you go pick something from the adventure section....anything about a boy with gumption should be fine.
  • Ginseng tea?? I'm not gonna get hopped up on dope!
  • (Talking about his lawn)
    There's something missing, something wrong...it's like a pretty girl with short hair.
  • (Referring to jeans)
    Well, after I break 'em in in ten years they ought to be the perfect fit.
  • (on finding Bobby in his room holding a cheerleader's uniform)
    There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed.
  • Disappointment? No! You make me proud! I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Damn it, you're my boy!
  • I'm gonna kick your ass! I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come here.
  • (after his father ran away from home)
    Has anyone seen an old man, about yea high, possibly shouting obscenities?
  • (to Bobby)
    It's not cooking — it's barbecue!
  • Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you.
  • Mr. Big is pleased
  • I tell you what, you can take a safety course, and if you're still interested in guns after they've taken all the fun out of it, we'll go to the tournament.
  • I wasn't flirting with her! I didn't even mention that I worked in propane.
  • (Talking to Bobby)
    The only reason why your nails should be black is because you hit them with a hammer.
  • Bobby I'm going to tell you to do two things I hope you never have to do again, tape the Cowboys game and fetch me an apron.
  • Bobby, I want to give you this cup. It was made from the finest American steel ever to come out of Pittsburgh, PA.
  • A poodle? Why don't you just get me a cat and a sex change operation?
  • With the joys of responsibility comes the burden of obligation.
  • (to Dale Gribble, after Hank thought Dale had died from ant bites)
    You gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even!
  • GAY! I'm not gay! I sell propane and propane accessories!
  • Bobby, from now on when I ask you how your day was, what I mean is 'how was shop'?
  • (Answering Bobby's questions about PMS)
    Bobby, some things are like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta grab a beer and let it burn.
  • (referring to Ronald Reagan)
    I miss voting for that man
  • (talking to Bobby "Do you know how to start a man's heart with a downed power line?" Bobby: "No.")
    "...Well, theres really no wrong way to do it."
  • I think they're starting to like me. But more importantly, I think they're starting to like shop.
  • ((to Peggy in a body cast))
    You know, Helen Keller was largely useless, but look how we remember her. Yep, first lady of the American stage
  • Maybe my father is Tom Landry. That would explain my strong chin and my love for the flex defense. I wonder if I would call him "dad" or "coach". Nah who am I kidding? I would call him "sir."
  • I hate that t-shirt more than life itself
  • I HAVE a sense of humor! I laugh at Tony Danza.
  • (Reading a book on organic farming)
    When they say 'Mother Earth', they mean 'dirt', right?
  • Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug ya.
  • (After Bobby steps up to the plate in a Little League games, taking a left-handed stance)
    Dangit, Bobby, you're right-handed.
  • No got dang way, Bobby!
  • My wife lies to me. My beer company betrays me. Americans are giving Mexicans diarrhea. What the hell is going on here?
  • (to Bobby)
    Don't play lawyer ball, son.
  • Dangit, Bobby!!!
  • The only woman I'm pimping is sweet lady propane! And I'm tricking her out all over this town.
  • Bobby you're 12 that's still very young. But Ladybird, she's 13!
  • (Referring to Bobby's dancing at a concert)
    They weren't dancing like you and I dance, Peggy. They were enjoying it.
  • Nobody likes a know it all who sits around talking about their genitalia.
  • Son, you're teasin' the gorilla in the monkey house.
  • I'm gonna tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!
  • An F in English? Bobby, you speak English!
  • (After accidentally taking a hit off of a marijuana cigarette)
    Oh no my eyes are turning bloodshot, I'm going on a trip! I look like I'm doped out of my gourd!
  • (Speaking to Peggy)
    I didn't marry you so you could cook and clean for me. I married you because you know, you know.....the love...
  • If you'd like to learn more about sexual education, don't! Nobody likes a know-it-all who sits around talking about their genitalia. Now, I think you might like this next show, The X-Files. I always thought it was some kind of porno, on account of the title, but turns out it's all about two young people who don't have sex. Now, that's entertainment!
  • Why are we watching a foreign movie? You'd think if it was any good they would make an American version.
  • What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?
  • Peg, I'm trying to control an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!
  • (Talking to Cotton after G.H. is born)
    If you call him Good Hank it's gonna look like I'm bad Hank.
  • Now that just tears it!
  • Using a saw to kill someone makes more sense than using a gun to hammer nails. That's how my dad built my treehouse; that's how he cleaned it too.
  • I'm not saying you're not good at what you do. I'm just saying I'm better.
  • (Speaking to Willie Nelson)
    I'm your biggest fan, sir. When I was a boy I worshiped you....and Jesus of course.
  • Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!
  • If Bobby doesn't love football, he won't lead a fulfilling life, and then he'll die.
  • (telling Peggy about Connie getting her period)
    You know, that special time in a girls life..with the freshness and all...
  • (talking to bobby after he kicked hank in the crotch)
    Gimme that goddang vidja game!
  • (punishing Bobby for smoking by making him smoke a carton of cigarettes)
    Bobby, if you're gonna do something wrong, do it right!
  • (referring to his son Bobby)
    That boy ain't right.
  • It's called the double standard, Bobby. Don't knock it — we got the long end of the stick on that one.
  • So are you Chinese or Japanese?
  • (To Buck Strickland)
    You called in a fake propane emergency? That's a $50 fine after I report it.
  • Who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I need to know whose ass to kick!
  • Yep, just walkin around in my lush, super plush, new lawn...
  • If your sorority has to sell jam to buy beer, you're drinking too much.
  • You can't just pick and choose which laws to follow. Sure I'd like to tape a baseball game without the express written consent of major league baseball, but that's just not the way it works.
  • You can't compete with this guy. He's a football player, and football players know how to treat a woman right.
  • He always leaves the TV on the Game Show network. I'm not sure why it bothers me, but it does.
  • I sell propane and propane accessories.
  • ((Speaking to Peggy about Kahn))
    I don't whisper every morning in his ear 'be a jerk'. That comes from within.
  • You mean like a convoy?
  • You, uh, you're my son, you know, with everything that entails... feelings of fondness and more... You know what I mean, don’t you, boy?
  • (reading pamphlet)
    "Cushioned shooting stands, heated blinds with automatic corn feeder". Well that's not hunting, that's shooting fish in a barrel.
  • I've had about enough of this Christmas crap!
  • Why would anyone ever smoke weed when they could just mow a lawn?
  • (admiring Bill's new septic tank)
    It's a shame we have to put her in the ground.
  • (On being offered prescription medicine)
    “Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood, I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.
  • Yep
  • (To Mr. Strickland)
    There's a spoon stuck to your elbow. Do you even know that?
  • Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.
  • I gotta sense of humor too. I like the Tony Danza.
  • (Conversation Between Hank and Bobby on Halloween. Bobby says, "But dad, that's vandalism and vandalism isn't cool.")
    Bobby, that attitude is a little immature.
  • (Talking to Megalomart salesman)
    (Sigh) Which idiot made it illegal to install a working toilet in your own bathroom?

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