Hank, who works as the assistant manager at Strickland Propane, likes to proclaim proudly that he sells "propane and propane accessories." ... more about Hank Hill
You, uh, you're my son, you know, with everything that entails... feelings of fondness and more... You know what I mean, don’t you, boy?
(telling Peggy about Connie getting her period) You know, that special time in a girls life..with the freshness and all...
My wife lies to me. My beer company betrays me. Americans are giving Mexicans diarrhea. What the hell is going on here?
Bobby I'm going to tell you to do two things I hope you never have to do again, tape the Cowboys game and fetch me an apron.
Why are we watching a foreign movie? You'd think if it was any good they would make an American version.
Bobby, I want to give you this cup. It was made from the finest American steel ever to come out of Pittsburgh, PA.
With the joys of responsibility comes the burden of obligation.
Maybe my father is Tom Landry. That would explain my strong chin and my love for the flex defense. I wonder if I would call him "dad" or "coach". Nah who am I kidding? I would call him "sir."
Son, you're teasin' the gorilla in the monkey house.
(punishing Bobby for smoking by making him smoke a carton of cigarettes) Bobby, if you're gonna do something wrong, do it right!
(Talking to Megalomart salesman) (Sigh) Which idiot made it illegal to install a working toilet in your own bathroom?
I sell propane and propane accessories.
(on finding Bobby in his room holding a cheerleader's uniform) There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed.
You can't just pick and choose which laws to follow. Sure I'd like to tape a baseball game without the express written consent of major league baseball, but that's just not the way it works.
Bobby, from now on when I ask you how your day was, what I mean is 'how was shop'?
D-minus! Dangit, Bobby, I expected better from someone who doesn't have any extracurricular activities.
(on worker's compensation) Worker's comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I am not going on welfare.
Bobby, you go pick something from the adventure section....anything about a boy with gumption should be fine.
Peg, I'm trying to control an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!
(In response to a young Christian rock singer who said, "Hey man, Jesus had long hair!") That's because I'm not his father.
An F in English? Bobby, you speak English!
An all Texas superbowl.....Thy will be done.
I've had about enough of this Christmas crap!
(referring to Ronald Reagan) I miss voting for that man
(Speaking to Peggy) I didn't marry you so you could cook and clean for me. I married you because you know, you know.....the love...
He always leaves the TV on the Game Show network. I'm not sure why it bothers me, but it does.
If Bobby doesn't love football, he won't lead a fulfilling life, and then he'll die.
Bobby you're 12 that's still very young. But Ladybird, she's 13!
Who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I need to know whose ass to kick!
(Talking to Bobby) The only reason why your nails should be black is because you hit them with a hammer.
(Talking about his lawn) There's something missing, something wrong...it's like a pretty girl with short hair.
I hate that t-shirt more than life itself
I'm gonna tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!
(Conversation Between Hank and Bobby on Halloween. Bobby says, "But dad, that's vandalism and vandalism isn't cool.") Bobby, that attitude is a little immature.
I tell you what, you can take a safety course, and if you're still interested in guns after they've taken all the fun out of it, we'll go to the tournament.
I always say - if you plan ahead, then when things happen, you're prepared for them.
I gotta sense of humor too. I like the Tony Danza.
Ginseng tea?? I'm not gonna get hopped up on dope!
Using a saw to kill someone makes more sense than using a gun to hammer nails. That's how my dad built my treehouse; that's how he cleaned it too.
(To Mr. Strickland) There's a spoon stuck to your elbow. Do you even know that?
It's called the double standard, Bobby. Don't knock it — we got the long end of the stick on that one.
You mean like a convoy?
((Speaking to Peggy about Kahn)) I don't whisper every morning in his ear 'be a jerk'. That comes from within.
Now that just tears it!
(after his father ran away from home) Has anyone seen an old man, about yea high, possibly shouting obscenities?
Yep, just walkin around in my lush, super plush, new lawn...
(reading pamphlet) "Cushioned shooting stands, heated blinds with automatic corn feeder". Well that's not hunting, that's shooting fish in a barrel.
A poodle? Why don't you just get me a cat and a sex change operation?
I think they're starting to like me. But more importantly, I think they're starting to like shop.
Butane is the bastard gas.
(Referring to Bobby's dancing at a concert) They weren't dancing like you and I dance, Peggy. They were enjoying it.
So are you Chinese or Japanese?
(talking to Bobby
"Do you know how to start a man's heart with a downed power line?"
Bobby: "No.") "...Well, theres really no wrong way to do it."
Disappointment? No! You make me proud! I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Damn it, you're my boy!
(After accidentally taking a hit off of a marijuana cigarette) Oh no my eyes are turning bloodshot, I'm going on a trip! I look like I'm doped out of my gourd!
Boomhauer, I can't understand a word you just said... what with all that legalese mumbo-jumbo.
(On being offered prescription medicine) “Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood, I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.
No got dang way, Bobby!
Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug ya.
I wasn't flirting with her! I didn't even mention that I worked in propane.
I'm not saying you're not good at what you do. I'm just saying I'm better.
(Referring to jeans) Well, after I break 'em in in ten years they ought to be the perfect fit.
Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you.
The only woman I'm pimping is sweet lady propane! And I'm tricking her out all over this town.
Mr. Big is pleased
If your sorority has to sell jam to buy beer, you're drinking too much.
Why would anyone ever smoke weed when they could just mow a lawn?
(Answering Bobby's questions about PMS) Bobby, some things are like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta grab a beer and let it burn.
I can't enjoy a party until I know where the bathroom is. You knew that when you married me.
(Speaking to Willie Nelson) I'm your biggest fan, sir. When I was a boy I worshiped you....and Jesus of course.
Oh God no, an anthill on my new lawn!
What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?
(As Ted Wassanasong hands Hank a cigar) Don't mind if I -- oh, you probably didn't realize this, but this is Cuban. I'll just go ahead and destroy it for you.
(talking to bobby after he kicked hank in the crotch) Gimme that goddang vidja game!
If you'd like to learn more about sexual education, don't! Nobody likes a know-it-all who sits around talking about their genitalia. Now, I think you might like this next show, The X-Files. I always thought it was some kind of porno, on account of the title, but turns out it's all about two young people who don't have sex. Now, that's entertainment!
(After Bobby steps up to the plate in a Little League games, taking a left-handed stance) Dangit, Bobby, you're right-handed.
Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!
Nobody likes a know it all who sits around talking about their genitalia.
I HAVE a sense of humor! I laugh at Tony Danza.
(Talking to Cotton after G.H. is born) If you call him Good Hank it's gonna look like I'm bad Hank.
(admiring Bill's new septic tank) It's a shame we have to put her in the ground.
I'm gonna kick your ass! I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come here.
(To Buck Strickland) You called in a fake propane emergency? That's a $50 fine after I report it.
(Reading a book on organic farming) When they say 'Mother Earth', they mean 'dirt', right?
You can't compete with this guy. He's a football player, and football players know how to treat a woman right.
(to Bobby) It's not cooking — it's barbecue!
I am the mac daddy of Hiemlich County
GAY! I'm not gay! I sell propane and propane accessories!
Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.
((to Peggy in a body cast)) You know, Helen Keller was largely useless, but look how we remember her. Yep, first lady of the American stage
(to Dale Gribble, after Hank thought Dale had died from ant bites) You gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even!
(to Bobby) Don't play lawyer ball, son.
Dale, you giblet head!
(referring to his son Bobby) That boy ain't right.