Hank, who works as the assistant manager at Strickland Propane, likes to proclaim proudly that he sells "propane and propane accessories." ... more about Hank Hill
GAY! I'm not gay! I sell propane and propane accessories!
Boomhauer, I can't understand a word you just said... what with all that legalese mumbo-jumbo.
((to Peggy in a body cast)) You know, Helen Keller was largely useless, but look how we remember her. Yep, first lady of the American stage
I hate that t-shirt more than life itself
Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you.
I'm not saying you're not good at what you do. I'm just saying I'm better.
(on worker's compensation) Worker's comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I am not going on welfare.
Bobby, I want to give you this cup. It was made from the finest American steel ever to come out of Pittsburgh, PA.
(Talking to Cotton after G.H. is born) If you call him Good Hank it's gonna look like I'm bad Hank.
He always leaves the TV on the Game Show network. I'm not sure why it bothers me, but it does.
Who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I need to know whose ass to kick!
I can't enjoy a party until I know where the bathroom is. You knew that when you married me.
(In response to a young Christian rock singer who said, "Hey man, Jesus had long hair!") That's because I'm not his father.
If Bobby doesn't love football, he won't lead a fulfilling life, and then he'll die.
I sell propane and propane accessories.
Peg, I'm trying to control an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!
(telling Peggy about Connie getting her period) You know, that special time in a girls life..with the freshness and all...
(Talking about his lawn) There's something missing, something wrong...it's like a pretty girl with short hair.
You can't just pick and choose which laws to follow. Sure I'd like to tape a baseball game without the express written consent of major league baseball, but that's just not the way it works.
I'm gonna tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!
((Speaking to Peggy about Kahn)) I don't whisper every morning in his ear 'be a jerk'. That comes from within.
I gotta sense of humor too. I like the Tony Danza.
(To Mr. Strickland) There's a spoon stuck to your elbow. Do you even know that?
(Speaking to Willie Nelson) I'm your biggest fan, sir. When I was a boy I worshiped you....and Jesus of course.
A poodle? Why don't you just get me a cat and a sex change operation?
(On being offered prescription medicine) “Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood, I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.
Nobody likes a know it all who sits around talking about their genitalia.
You mean like a convoy?
(Speaking to Peggy) I didn't marry you so you could cook and clean for me. I married you because you know, you know.....the love...
I'm gonna kick your ass! I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come here.
Bobby, from now on when I ask you how your day was, what I mean is 'how was shop'?
(admiring Bill's new septic tank) It's a shame we have to put her in the ground.
I am the mac daddy of Hiemlich County
Disappointment? No! You make me proud! I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Damn it, you're my boy!
If your sorority has to sell jam to buy beer, you're drinking too much.
Butane is the bastard gas.
With the joys of responsibility comes the burden of obligation.
(To Buck Strickland) You called in a fake propane emergency? That's a $50 fine after I report it.
The only woman I'm pimping is sweet lady propane! And I'm tricking her out all over this town.
Why would anyone ever smoke weed when they could just mow a lawn?
Bobby I'm going to tell you to do two things I hope you never have to do again, tape the Cowboys game and fetch me an apron.
(Talking to Megalomart salesman) (Sigh) Which idiot made it illegal to install a working toilet in your own bathroom?
I wasn't flirting with her! I didn't even mention that I worked in propane.
(As Ted Wassanasong hands Hank a cigar) Don't mind if I -- oh, you probably didn't realize this, but this is Cuban. I'll just go ahead and destroy it for you.
I HAVE a sense of humor! I laugh at Tony Danza.
(after his father ran away from home) Has anyone seen an old man, about yea high, possibly shouting obscenities?
Ginseng tea?? I'm not gonna get hopped up on dope!
I always say - if you plan ahead, then when things happen, you're prepared for them.
(After accidentally taking a hit off of a marijuana cigarette) Oh no my eyes are turning bloodshot, I'm going on a trip! I look like I'm doped out of my gourd!
Mr. Big is pleased
(to Bobby) Don't play lawyer ball, son.
Yep, just walkin around in my lush, super plush, new lawn...
Bobby, you go pick something from the adventure section....anything about a boy with gumption should be fine.
(punishing Bobby for smoking by making him smoke a carton of cigarettes) Bobby, if you're gonna do something wrong, do it right!
Now that just tears it!
If you'd like to learn more about sexual education, don't! Nobody likes a know-it-all who sits around talking about their genitalia. Now, I think you might like this next show, The X-Files. I always thought it was some kind of porno, on account of the title, but turns out it's all about two young people who don't have sex. Now, that's entertainment!
I tell you what, you can take a safety course, and if you're still interested in guns after they've taken all the fun out of it, we'll go to the tournament.
An all Texas superbowl.....Thy will be done.
(on finding Bobby in his room holding a cheerleader's uniform) There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed.
(referring to his son Bobby) That boy ain't right.
Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.
(Referring to jeans) Well, after I break 'em in in ten years they ought to be the perfect fit.
Dale, you giblet head!
(Conversation Between Hank and Bobby on Halloween. Bobby says, "But dad, that's vandalism and vandalism isn't cool.") Bobby, that attitude is a little immature.
(Answering Bobby's questions about PMS) Bobby, some things are like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta grab a beer and let it burn.
(to Dale Gribble, after Hank thought Dale had died from ant bites) You gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even!
My wife lies to me. My beer company betrays me. Americans are giving Mexicans diarrhea. What the hell is going on here?
(to Bobby) It's not cooking — it's barbecue!
I think they're starting to like me. But more importantly, I think they're starting to like shop.
You, uh, you're my son, you know, with everything that entails... feelings of fondness and more... You know what I mean, don’t you, boy?
You can't compete with this guy. He's a football player, and football players know how to treat a woman right.
Why are we watching a foreign movie? You'd think if it was any good they would make an American version.
It's called the double standard, Bobby. Don't knock it — we got the long end of the stick on that one.
Oh God no, an anthill on my new lawn!
(After Bobby steps up to the plate in a Little League games, taking a left-handed stance) Dangit, Bobby, you're right-handed.
Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug ya.
(reading pamphlet) "Cushioned shooting stands, heated blinds with automatic corn feeder". Well that's not hunting, that's shooting fish in a barrel.
An F in English? Bobby, you speak English!
(talking to bobby after he kicked hank in the crotch) Gimme that goddang vidja game!
(Talking to Bobby) The only reason why your nails should be black is because you hit them with a hammer.
(Reading a book on organic farming) When they say 'Mother Earth', they mean 'dirt', right?
(talking to Bobby
"Do you know how to start a man's heart with a downed power line?"
Bobby: "No.") "...Well, theres really no wrong way to do it."
Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!
Maybe my father is Tom Landry. That would explain my strong chin and my love for the flex defense. I wonder if I would call him "dad" or "coach". Nah who am I kidding? I would call him "sir."
So are you Chinese or Japanese?
Bobby you're 12 that's still very young. But Ladybird, she's 13!
No got dang way, Bobby!
What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?
(Referring to Bobby's dancing at a concert) They weren't dancing like you and I dance, Peggy. They were enjoying it.
I've had about enough of this Christmas crap!
(referring to Ronald Reagan) I miss voting for that man
D-minus! Dangit, Bobby, I expected better from someone who doesn't have any extracurricular activities.
Son, you're teasin' the gorilla in the monkey house.
Using a saw to kill someone makes more sense than using a gun to hammer nails. That's how my dad built my treehouse; that's how he cleaned it too.